Trying to Find my Way

I’ve fallen so far from all my creativity. My life has been filled with responsibilities and keeping everything together and okay. And somewhere in the last three years, I’ve lost my creative side. The melody in my voice, the lightness to my steps. I thought maybe it’s because I switched to technology from theatre, but that’s not it. I was still very creative when I made that switch. No, I was using my creativity in more scientific ways and it was fulfilling, but now, I look at this page, this blog, the photo on the main site and I feel a bubbling up of anxiety and fear. It’s like all those creative whims of mine have no purpose. None. What’s the point? It all feels so worthless. It will never amount to anything. So what’s the point. My motivation is gone, and I don’t know how to get it back. I remember loving making websites, and now I look at them and it just makes my brain become foggy and my chest gets tight, and I don’t see a clear way forward. I’m so lost. I’m lost without my motivation. And I’m terribly discouraged by the feeling that all of this only made sense when I had this over-inflated ego of my work and that anyone would ever give a crap about any of my creativity. Deep down, it just feels silly now. No purpose. Just a young person’s whimsy, nothing more. And with that feeling, how could I ever get my creativity back, if I look down upon it so.

Before, it seemed like anything was possible and that was the most powerful motivator. But now, life has shown me roadblocks, so many obstacles, and that no, not everything is possible. I feel like I can’t just do *anything?* Writing that, even thinking it, makes me cringe, but while part of me abhors it, too much of me now believes it. And that idea has crushed my imagination and my drive.